Wisdom

For many years now I have had two bits of wisdom that have guided my life in a productive and meaningful way. I have tried to pass this wisdom on when I get the chance. I hope that these two nuggets of exceding worth will be of great value in your life as well: Never pet a burning dog. Never goose a man with a chainsaw. Sometime in the not so distant past I came upon a new set of wise tidbits that I feel compelled to share. I'm not sure where I found this collection. If I stole it from you - Thanks. Let me know and I'll give you credit. If you have more, please add them. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. No one is listening until you fart. Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. If you lend someone $20 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. A closed mouth gathers no foot. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Never miss a good chance to shut up. We are born naked, wet, hungry and get slapped on our butt. Then, things get worse. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. There is fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.......around age 11. Everyone seems normal, until you get to know them. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.